Mother’s Day is here once again
So a big & special shout out to all the moms
But let’s be real
It isn’t always a happy & celebratory occasion for everybody
In fact it can be downright triggering for some
Either because it’s such a poignant reminder of a relationship
We once enjoyed, but no longer have
Due to the permanency of death
Or a temporary falling out
OR
Because of the acute awareness
Based on our own painful experiences,
That the word mother actually doesn’t evoke a sense of love, safety and happiness at all.
So
While the media and retailers focus on highlighting
The warm, fuzzy & profitable aspects of Mother’s Day
I really want to pause and take a moment to acknowledge
The tender underbelly of grief, regret, resentment, anger & heartache
That can also get stirred up at this time.
First, I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy
To anyone whose mother died this year
Whether because of Covid, some other illness, an unexpected tragedy,
Or because of natural causes.
The very first Mother’s Day without a mom’s physical presence
Can be a tough, tough one to navigate
And so my heart really goes out to you.
Secondly, I want to give a special emotional nod to anyone
Who, by virtue of having become a mom yourself,
Now just simply cannot fathom how your own mother
Habitually failed to provide the protection & nurturance
Which arises so strongly & instinctively within you.
Sometimes it’s in the process of raising children
And giving love to others
That we slowly start to realise
Just how little we ourselves might have got.
Thirdly, I want to acknowledge anyone whose family structure & dynamics have changed significantly this year.
Separation, divorce, remarriage and step-mothering
Can all highlight the loss of old traditions
And make the new decisions of who, where & how to celebrate
Unexpectedly complicated & emotionally charged.
Fourthly, for anyone whose dreams of being a mother
Failed to materialise or were painfully shattered this year
Whether because of the of lack of a partner,
The absence of the necessary biological conditions for conception,
A miscarriage in utero, or the death of a child that was actually born,
My heart truly goes out to you.
And finally, for those who have deliberately chosen not to be a biological mother at all
A nod of respect to you.
A mother’s role is so powerful & tremendously important
In terms of how children end up relating to themselves,
The world, and the intimate partners they tend to choose
That it’s really not surprising that as adults
Some of us decide not to venture into that particular arena of commitment & responsibility at all.
Regardless of which of the above categories most resonate with you
Or even if you feel securely rooted in your mom’s physical presence & love
Because no mom is ever perfect
This year I’m inviting everyone to celebrate Mother’s Day
In a somewhat different way
So, if you typically act out of automaticity
Or from duty bound or commercially driven obligation
Choose instead to celebrate the day
In a way that feels right, authentic and emotionally safe for you .
And even, or actually especially,
If your biological mother could “never”,
As one client stated
“Be anywhere close in the runnings for Mother of the Year Award”
Just graciously acknowledge whatever you can
and then see if you’re ready to consider giving her
This very special gift :
For starters, quietly acknowledge those aspects of good healthy mothering
That you now realise were missing
And also acknowledge those pivotal childhood experiences
You wish had been different in your life
And then
Whether you deem your mother’s failings
To be deliberate acts of commission
Or unwitting errors of neglect
I invite you to extend to her
The gift of your genuine interest and curiosity
About the causes, conditions and inter-genenerational wounding
That created the kind of mother she ended up being to you.
Over time, this genuine curiosity may lead
To a change in the way you choose to relate to your mom
Or. Maybe not.
But at the very least it might facilitate this realization,
Knowing all that I now know about her and her life
How could it have been any other way?
And then
Because intellectual insight is only one step along the path of healing
Regardless of whatever new understanding you find you now have,
Here’s the second gift that’s
Actually your own Mothers Day homage to yourself
Wherever you find yourself still yearning
For whatever it was that your mom failed to provide
I invite you to start mothering yourself the way
That you secretly wished she’d done
Why?
Because nobody else, knows your needs, your wounds or your desires better than you do.
Plus its really, really important,
That you don’t unwittingly treat yourself
With the same neglect, abandonment or intrusive overbearing demands
Which you felt was meted out to you.
I wish for you lots and lots and lots of
Kindness Compassion & Nurturance this Mothers Day
May you wholeheartedly celebrate the true mother figures
Whether biological or not,
Who provided you with genuine love affection & acceptance in your life
May you savour the love of, and for your children
If you have any of your own
And may you cut yourself some slack for whatever mistakes you’ve inevitably made along the way.
And if your mom is no longer around
May you realise as I have
That while photos may fade
Like the last one of me and my mom before she died 20 years ago ,
The felt experience of genuine love and connection never actually does.